SOME ASPECTS OF LOVE AND LIFE THAT DRIVE PERSONS TO RISK V.D. AND HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM
by M.P. Vora
The Home Doctor
(A Practical Guide to Good Health)
Volume No - IV, Number. 9 & 10 of January-February 1966
Page No. 5 to 13.
While practicing venereology, I have come across a number of persons, belonging to different age, sex and status. From the study of their cases, I have noticed certain aspects of love and life, which often drive people to risk V.D. They reveal constant and definite patterns which were responsible for human tragedies. These unhappy situations arise from people’s ignorance, about the fundamental aspects of love and life.
Childhood has a mighty power to cripple an adult. Its effects may be trifling or profound. When the damage bites deeper, it withers the manliness or womenliness of the future man or women. A soundly constructed attitude can see a boy or girl through his or her whole life relatively unharmed, no matter what catastrophes occur. It is an insurance against abandonment to despair, fear and grief. The right atmosphere for imparting knowledge is warmth, gentleness and closeness.
The child’s sex education begins, it is six months old, when it starts to explore its own body, discovers the most erotic parts and derives from them a pleasant sensation. The child’s pre-occupation with its body is natural, passing and no cause for concern. However, some parents interprete it differently, become aghast and try to discipline the child by slapping or branding it as wrong. This often hurts the child. The idea is planted that certain areas of the body are shameful or even disgusting, when the child is only satisfying its normal curiosity. A positive approach to the problem is to recognise it as mere exploration, and offer the child a toy to distract its attention. Frigidity in women and impotence in men often result from the atmosphere some parents create around the child’s natural interest in genitals.
All children need to know the theme of reproduction, (from the common example of a house cat). However, it must be impressed on them, that reproduction is respect, kindness, responsibility and affection. It is too splendid to be used casually. Mothers should know, that everything they say to their daughters about babies, from an attitude, that persists life-time. A girl is in need of learning acceptance above all and tenderness and responsibility of having a baby. She should be told, that the business of creation is happy and a fundamental one, and that the babies are born as the result of warm love, that overflows into physical union. It is tragic that some fathers have little time to spare for their children. Such children grow up naturally under the impression, that their mother is the kingpin of the universe, - an attitude that may enchant the mother-, but can only cause difficulties for children in future. A girl who is raised by an absentee father and enthusiastic mother, can never have a proper understanding of her role in marriage. A little boy has, just as great a problem; he is without any knowledge of the role of a husband. Parents must avoid the acid evil of constant dislike and insult, at least in the presence of their children. A father can teach his son a good attitude towards sex, in the courtliness and consideration, he shows to his wife. A mother can teach the principles of happy adjustment in the respect and consideration, she shows for her husband. She must keep clearly in mind, for the sake of family as a whole, that the father is its head, and that she must never scoff at his wisdom or decision.
Adolescence is the most difficult but self-limited period. It is a period of perpetual anxiety. An adolescent- may it be a boy or a girl- is confused, reserved, insecure and tormented. Some go through this serenely, while others are rocked by emotional storms. The ability to grapple with problems is complicated by glandular changes and sudden spurt of growth. Upto this time, they have taken little note of their gender. Suddenly in the span of a few months, they come to realise, that sex is an earth-shaking power. It fills their minds and bodies and causes a terrible emotional insecurity. They are tempted to defy parental authority, and resent any attempt to advise or protect them. While they must have freedom to make mistakes, which are harmless but uncomfortable, they must be prevented from mistakes, which are forever ruinous. The mistakes, that a young boy or a girl commits with sex, are harmful, disastrous and potentially infectious. All teenagers are acutelyaware of the strong pulse of sex within them. But they must not let it dominate them, simply because it is the right time for learning; on learning depends knowledge, on knowledge depends ability and wisdom that will direct their lives and career. It would be sheer short-sightedness to allow this period to be sacrificed for the sake of passion.
Some parents impose unnatural restrictions on their children and get defiance only. Mothers fail to warn their daughters, that kissing is intended by nature to be an appetiser and not an entire meal. When teenagers are grouping for values, it is the right time for parents to install in them, a sense of justice and honour, by creating an atmosphere of mutual trust and confidence, and to lay down the patterns of a life-time. It is most vital that they know the inevitable fact of life, and that each act is followed, without fail by consequences. True responsibility and maturity can only come from inner discipline. This is the most valuable lesson. Human passion is no toy to be used lightly. A promiscuous youngster is ravaged by her own conscience; her greatest tragedy is, not only the loss of her reputation, but also the loss of her self-respect and the resultant infection. No teenager should be so fool-hardy as to trust herself. She is made of flesh and blood and not cast iron. A girl should not pet with a causal date, who has little sense of responsibility and consideration. She must always play in her own league, and avoid places, where there is no possibility of interruption. A married girl, who asks her husband to continue his education, and takes the responsibility to support him as well, makes a tragic mistake. Such an arrangement often leads to a broken marriage. She does not mind hard work in her life, but the boy cannot bear the load of gratitude he must carry. He finds someone else, with whom he can feel tall.
A woman is equipped with a reproductive system, which, even if she never uses it, dominates her fiber. It has a vicious power to leap out of control, unexpectedly and without the slightest warning. Any presence, that this force does not exist is illogical. Her biggest mistake is to underestimate her biology. Creation has gone to considerable trouble, to make her female, and to grant her an aura, to enhance her in the male eyes. When she finds that these attributes are in working order, she is full of surprise and wonderment. To her, a man’s invitation appears an extraordinary and astonishing development. And she invariably says, “I am not that type of girl.” This is outrageous nonsense. She does not realise, that there can come a moment between a man and a woman, when control and adjustment are impossible. In a moment of glandular whim, that makes mockery of conscience and discretion, her self-respect and composure may be eternally damaged. Her best protection against this betrayal is to appreciate, that the speedup of her emotions is not only possible but natural and normal. Her best defence is to have no confidence at all in her ability, to say no, at the appropriate time. The belief, that any women can coolly decide to halt love-making, at some point, before she is wholly committed, is nonsense. For this reason, women have to safeguard themselves with standards of conduct, which may seem quaint and primitive. Petting at lonely places, where disturbance is ruled out, is like playing with a loaded dice. She loses every time. (Even a married woman can be shattered, if she fails to respect her inner power.)
Some society demand the adolescent boy to prove his manhood before marriage. Some boys feel it compelling need, for achieving better marital relationship. This is really dangerous. It exposes him to the risk of infection. He is very likely to fail in his first attempt, because of the fright and awkwardness; such a failure will induce in him impotence afterwards. Puberty in the male, crowds his mind with fuzzy imagination. A growing boy must learn to discipline his sexual drive. He must know that the act of love can only debased, by trying to make it manly achievement. He needs to be told, that a boy and a girl have power to start life, but that power too magnificent to be used casually. He must be told that promiscuity is habit-forming and can make shambles of his adult life. It carries risks of infection and all good people avoid it, for the sake of secure adult-hood, healthy life, healthy family and happy home. By time warning, one can avoid a desolate pattern being set in. Certainly gluttons do not enjoy the taste of food. He should also know his own biology. His urge for sex is much stronger than that of a girl. It is the boy who will light the bonfire. The best prevention of burns, is to make certain, that the location prohibits the fire getting out of hand.
The progress of love-making in marriage can be divided into: -
The highly skilled honeymoon stage of love-making, requires a sense of humour. It is a well known fact, that males in the early nervous days of marriage, are often unsatisfactory lovers. When this happens, the bride has her husband’s self-esteem, at her mercy. With her sense of pouting injury, she can at that moment, build a store- house of humiliation for her husband, or she and her husband can get amused and build a marriage. For a success, she must have the nature, that is instinctively giving, the readiness to praise the smallest talent a desire to appreciate the smallest show of thoughtfulness and to acknowledge the husband’s pride in his own masculinity. She shows her finest control of sex, in her most complete surrender. Her husband is sure to reward her, and love her with zest and tenderness, born out of his confidence. Solemnity has little place in the marriage bed. On the contrary, if she knows scorn or indignation at his failure, she is sure to harm her marriage forever.
Sex attraction between man and woman is happy, exhilarating, gay and an unspeakably sweet thing, once it has been learnt. But it is an activity, which needs experience and practice. Absurd and unforeseen things will happen, especially in the early years. The timing of climaxes can take a few years to perfect, during which time, the wife must show understanding, affection and sympathy instead of disgust and indignation, and must be prepared to comfort her chagrined husband. She must learn to relax and enjoy herself, without being self-conscious. A man can feel kinship with gods, if his woman can make him believe, he can cause flowering within her. Even if she does not feel it, she must bend every effort to pretense. The pretense is only in her physical reaction to the act itself. There is no greater gift and the worthiest duplicity, on the face of the earth, that a woman can treasure. It is the (panacea or) universal remedy for the discontented wives. It gives man his manhood, a quality of glorious robustness, that cannot fail to reward the giver. Hundreds of women who have began this sham, have discovered, that their pretended delight rapidly becomes real. (Love-making is woman’s greatest hazard. If she overcomes difficulties, her life will be radiant; if she fails, the misery is enduring.)
Some marriages have no time for love-making, especially when children have come in. this is dangerous situation. Love-making is a human need, a comfort for the body, a soothing balm for the nerves, brightener of spirits and great stimulator of achievements. In midst of hustle and bustle, a woman must cherish an oasis, that is private, quite and serene. A happy bedroom in the core of marriage is the place, where the couple can withdraw from the worries, and find in each other, a sense of strength, that stems from their mutual confidences. This gives the man the assurance, that he is vigorous and skilful, and the woman the knowledge, that she is needed and prized. A husband needs his wife most, when he is depressed or irritable. A man in need is a snapping turtle, and a wise wife can give him back contentment easily.
The couple married about ten years ago, arrives at cross-roads. The tenth year is the blast furnace, that shatters many marriages, though they may endure superficially. Monotony has set in, love-making becomes dull and unimaginative act, performed without taste or consideration. The forces that tempt a person to wander are ripened. This is a period for experimentation and fantasy love. It is time when husband is likely to step out, wishfully longing for excitement, a sense of achievement and conviction that he is exceedingly male. This is normal. All new marriages should be aware, that a time of restless seeking is coming. It can be weathered with the exercise of common sense, prudent control, humour and rich flattery. In spite of this, many permit their marriages to be ruined. The husband has an occasional affair. The wife, infatuated with her appearance, is likely to use social occasions for flirtations. This is bound to involve a person in risks of infection. Instead of an affair, a person, who is beginning to feel restless, needs a suitable adventure or pursuit to keep the mind occupied. Sports, membership of clubs, home improvement, social work etc. are quite effective in sublimating one’s passion. But the best and the most lasting method, is to renew the enhancement of love-making within marriage. No marriage bed needs to suffer, the curse of uniformity or monotony.
When the marriage is about fifteen years old, the husband’s enjoyment requires, more than simple fulfillment of his youth. He now needs arousal and affectionate response, or he is sickened. A wife must show warmth and tenderness, when his passion is diminishing. If she does not accomplish this, some one else may. This is hardest time to remember.
The sex life of a woman, like that of a man never stops. If the wife has failed to understand the changing quality of love-making over the years, and if the gap that began in the tenth year, has never been mended, another crisis will occur at twentyfifth year. The time to fight to save a marriage, is before the tenth year. And the way to save a strained marriage, is to start with the act of love. In one act, are all essentials of a marriage in the concentrated form i.e. warmth, consideration, gaiety, charm, hunger and ecstasy. In this small kingdom, a woman can heal the wounds, caused by contempt and indifference. She is a fool, if she ignores this weapon provided by nature. Marriage ceremony actually commits every bride to understand the physical and emotional needs of her husband. And the burden of creating a happy union falls mainly on the wife. A cheerful and contented woman at home, even one, who must often pretend gaiety, gives her man enough confidence to believe, he can lick the universe. A woman who enriches her husband with her admiration and ready response, never fails to get her reward.
But building a solid marriage is not entirely a female function. A man has to play his part well. Some men think of early booming beauty, as the only female value. They do not have the mature appreciation of a woman. They often do not understand the needs of their wives in love-making. Men are not naturally skilled lovers. They need advise and guidance, just as urgent as new brides. They must know, that adroit love-making is an educated act, the result of experience. First attempts are almost certain to be disastrous. Many husbands have affairs, as a mistaken solutions for their failures. A honeymoon needs a easy laughter to mend its tattered technic. Almost every man goes through clumsily, in the early stages of his love-making. This must not cause concern or humiliation; it is perfectly normal. He must avoid embarrassment and over anxiety, which are common among bridegrooms and defeat his co-ordination and judgement. A sense of humour is the best weapon to save the situation. A wife has to be kind, affectionate, and understanding, especially at these moments. She must keep in mind the basic needs of love-making i.e. ingenuity, zest, affection, tenderness and cherishing.
It is important for a man to know that a woman does not enjoy life in the same way as he does. His satisfaction is constant and simple to achieve; on the contrary, her delight is cyclical, dependent on atmosphere and often complex. The physical love of a woman springs from total stimulation. A woman’s enjoyment is mainly derived from the fore-play or the tenderness of the prelude to love, and not as frequently from the act itself. The premarital experience is entirely the prelude to love, exciting, thrilling and stimulating to a woman. After marriage many husbands feel, that this wooing is no longer necessary. This is quite erroneous. To ensure his bride’s happiness, and his own pride in himself as a lover, a man must play it her way. The other part of the act of love for a woman,- and this poorly understood and can be disturbing- is the after glow when she wants to be cherished and comforted. A man has the tendency to reject her after the storm and to turn away. This is normal and confirms to the law of nature, which dictates that for every action, there is an opposite reaction. However, he must control this impulse and comfort her with a close and affectionate embrace. Love-making requires good manners of consideration and good respect for the separate needs of a man and a woman. If the husband fails to give his wife the enjoyment she needs in love-making, someone else will.
Eventually in the course of years, a man is going to experience a slackening in his sexual drive. Sometimes this happens prematurely when he is over-worked or exhausted. Some men foolishly blame their wives, and set out briskly to find another woman. A man must ration his energy, to have some left over, at the end of the day. In the process of aging, some loss of desire for sex is natural; but a man is invariably shocked and devastated, when his virility begins to fade and slip away. These are difficult years for him. He needs his wife to tell him the truth, that most women know instinctively, and most men won’t acknowledge. It is the affection, that is enduring, in any man-woman relationship. Passion is a bonfire, that soon burns itself out but affection can and does last a life-time. It is upon a woman to use her stratagem wisely, to preserve the integrity of her man, so that they can live happily to the end of their days.
In months that precede and follow the birth of a baby, the mother experiences some depression and lull in her sexual desire. This freakish frigidity constitutes, a major threat to her marriage. One is often disturbed a new mother saying, “My husband is so understanding, he does not make any demands on me”. This is an-un-natural state of affairs. The husband’s need will demonstrate itself, at some inopportune time, when his wife is not present, but someone else is. Nature is ruthless. Wives must be more sensitive to the needs of their husbands, which do not vary with paternity. Besides, the woman must be responsive to her own needs to be loved and fulfilled. The period before and after the baby is born is one, in which the new mother must be watchful. She must see that the true value of her life, which is her marriage, is not disturbed. If she is not careful, she may lose it all.
Fatigue or weariness is often due to the lack of appreciation and monotony. It does not mean physical exhaustion but a sensation of being tired. It is the greatest enemy a woman ever faces. It robes her of joy and vitality, without which her life is meaningless. It has an adverse influence on a woman in love-making. A woman suffering from fatigue has a tendency to put off the act of love, in the expectation, that she will feel more like it later. This is a wrong notion. The sexual appetite needs nourishing, or it starves and shrinks just as the body. A woman who puts off her love-making, is going to feel less and less inclined towards it, and eventfully loses her interest in it. It is sure to damage her marriage and happiness. A woman in the grip of such a silent struggle, must learn to relax and put her acting skill to work, at convincing her husband that he is desired. She is sure to be rewarded by the release of her tension, that had ruined her evenings, and by the flowering of her marriage. By nourishing her husband’s ego, she ensures his contentment, which in turn will ensure her own. She has got to regain that zest and love, she and her husband had for each other, before children came in. She must know that the situation is not going to change, and she must change herself, and see that they have some time to themselves in privacy. Every wife has a positive moral obligation, to have something for herself left over from her home and children, for her husband.
A single woman- may be a spinster, a young widow or divorcee-, must avoid involvement in causal date. Sudden and occasional rush of passion is natural and involuntary. It must be recognised, understood and controlled; for, on this depends the total happiness of a person. Sex drive properly channeled, enriches her life and gives her great radiance. Causal love-making, even if she avoids the formidable danger of pregnancy, is destructive for a woman. She is shocked by the emptiness of promiscuity and the resultant infection. There is no fulfillment in such a passing attachment. She feels degraded, and her spirit and health suffer a terrible damage. Affection, sense of achievement, status and security, the prime and permanent necessities of her life are wanting. The relationship is without the stamp of approval, which every woman fervently desires from her friends and relatives.
Change of life or menopause is not an indication for a woman to suspend her sexual activity. If she fails to understand the needs of her husband, he is likely to look for some one else and risk infection. During this period, she should maintain and continue her relations with her husband, despite her weakened inclination. It is like keeping the payments on her home, ensuring her sound healthy marriage. Her sexual appetite will return, and she will enjoy her marriage fully again, because there will be no fear of unwanted pregnancy. They say life begins at fifty.
Everything that can happen to persons during love-making has happened before. This is deeply comforting to humanity. Their problems are not unique at all and insoluble, but natural and solved every day. Sex in marriage is a relationship, that is capable of exalted beauty or sour doom. One has to accept the inevitable, battle with problems, and live wisely and vigorously. Many difficulties in marriage, can be solved by breaking the silent barrier, about sex factors in our lives. If one is unhappy with one’s sex life, one must not keep it a secret. One has to be honest and discuss it frankly, with one’s sex partner. Personal inhibitions and taboos are illogical and must be broken. The only sensible thing for a wife is to find out, what arouses and satisfies her husband, and to help him to learn, what stirs and gratifies her. Sound knowledge about these aspect of love and life, will considerably reduce the incidence of marital disharmony as well as temptations to risk V.D. infection.